See the Good

How many times in life you've been hurt by someone you trust or someone close to you?  It's hard when we don't understand someone's actions: apparently contradictory or over the top angry, distant, aggressive, hurtful, etc.  Makes you think whether you have really known someone.  Many times our reaction will mirror what we receive, things escalate quickly and over time we eventually disconnect.  What you do and how you react in those situations can determine the outcome of a marriage, friendship, working relationship, relationship with our children, etc.

I don't remember how it all started but today I consciously choose to believe people are good.  I do that as far as I can remember.  I'm always trying to understand the reason why someone is behaving in a certain way that seem incompatible with a situation or my expectation.  I tend to believe there is always something else going on that while may not justify the behavior will at least explain it.

I have a great friend who for a period of time seemed distant and uninterested in cultivating our relationship.  In the beginning I thought giving space to my ego: "I'm not calling him anymore.  If he's interested in the relationship he has to initiate the contact going forward.  It can't be always me.  I have other things to do and can't afford to invest that much time in an unilateral relationship".  Eventually I paused and chose to take a simple step: ask.  I insisted a few more times and then explained how I was feeling.  I asked what was the reason he was behaving that way.  I found out he was having serious family problems.

Most of the times we don't want to ask because we think it's all about us.  Many times we believe we are the center of the universe and it's all about us.  We should not go the extra step, it's the other person's turn.  That way we miss opportunities to keep relationships and sometimes even help other people.

I've been in the opposite side, where I was the one behaving in ways my friends, or spouse would not understand: "what is wrong with you?" some would ask.  That's when I also found out many times people don't have it clear.  They don't know they are behaving in a certain way and when asked they don't know why they are doing it.  There are many things that affect the way we react in a given moment that sometimes we can't even connect the dots.  How many times I reacted in exact opposing ways to the same situation.  An easy example is my relationship with my kids.  There are times they will do something that will really tick me off.  I get angry and sometimes end up regretting the way I reacted.  Another time they do the exact same thing and I react like a Tibetan monk: master of patience and wisdom.  Why?

Every time I have composure to stop and think through my reaction I end up being able to trace the cause.  I'm running late to do something, or hungry, or it's something that is unresolved at work I didn't consciously realized was still in the back of my mind, etc.  Yes, we are not perfect.  If we don't give a second chance to each other imperfections it's difficult if not impossible to build and maintain relationships.

That's why I choose to believe people are good and there is something that can clearly justify a behavior we can't immediately understand.  Making assumptions is a very dangerous approach.  Our assumptions can be far from reality.  It's easy to make assumptions than spend the time talking, after all we are sometimes hurt or irritated by someone's behavior.  However, in many occasions it's worth it.  Take the time.  There may be cases where it is how it feels.  Not always it will work out.  However, it's better to be certain than lose someone you love.

Namaste
Vinicius

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Vinicius da Costa has almost 46 years of experience in life ;-), teaches at and helps building Synergy Yoga & Wellness into a place you feel good and welcomed to grow your yoga journey.

Relax, Nothing Is Under Control

I have heard many times of people who get lost when faced with a major life changing event.  I have felt myself that way many times.  In all cases I eventually found myself, which gives me confidence I can consistently overcome it.  Nonetheless, when it happens it’s painful.

That feeling of emptiness in your chest, lack of motivation to do even the things you like, wanting to stay quiet and isolated, sadness and no direction to go.  How to get out of it?

(Side note: that’s a perfect time to write a story.  The suffering is a greatly inspiring tool to write something deep and dramatic).

I observe this very often when people retire or are let go, in empty nesters, in broken relationships, when one is living someone else’s dreams, etc.  The common place in all those situations is a temporary lack of a meaningful goal in life.

I’ll share my own recent story as an example.  For half of my life I dedicated myself to create a family and be able to give them a solid foundation that would make our lives better.  This was such a powerful intent that any sacrifice seemed minor.  Moving away from my parents and siblings, my culture and everything else I had was somewhat easy.  I did everything that I deemed required to support that goal.

Then, without much notice my marriage was over, my kids taken away from my daily life.  All of a sudden all the sacrifice that seemed minor before became a big question mark.  I was stuck in a place with no family.  My kids were away, my mother and siblings much farther away.  The natural question in my mind was: what do a do now?  All the things I was doing were in support to a goal that no longer existed.  That’s why everything felt empty.  The goal is what fills our hearts.  Once it’s over the only thing that remains is the empty skeleton we built around to support it.

The only solution is to find a new meaningful goal.  The trick is that during a period of time we will long for that lost goal that was filling our hearts, providing motivation to our brains and energy to our bodies.  You take that away and it will work as a power switch.  It will shut down everything else.

What can I do to change that situation?

In the beginning we will only see all the reasons why we can’t change.  Over time you start to find little things here and there that will try to spark the fire within.  Similar to a car engine that doesn’t run for a long time those small sparks may not get it going.  Like the dormant car engine there will be some care required for the spark to get it rolling: cleaning, oil, battery, fuel.  That’s where you must take control.

Sparks are free and happen all the time around you.  Prepare to leverage them:

1. Care for your visual: my grandma always told us to look nice, clean and well dressed.  She said it was even more important when we were not feeling good.  The act of taking care of your look and the visual cues coming from it will re-energize you.  She was right.
2. Do more of the things that make you feel good: think about those things that every time you do you feel better.  One rule applies though: they must be healthy!  Many times they are the simplest things like going to the movies, calling a friend, yoga, dancing, listening to music, etc.
3. Do less of the things you don’t like: or even stop them completely if possible.  There are many things we don’t like that we can’t stop but we can definitely reduce or plan to reduce.
4. Care for your body: stay active, move, eat well.
5. Care for your mind and spirit: pray and meditate.  Be patient with yourself.  Do yoga, which will take care of body, mind and spirit at the same time.

These 5 steps will get you ready to your next big thing.  When you least expect you’ll start noticing all these opportunities around you.  Your engine will be ready and these sparks will make it roll.  From there just enjoy the ride again.

As for me, life gave me Sara, my wife and soul mate, a great stepson, awesome extended family, and a new home.  I stay as close to my kids as humanly possible, trying to learn there are things I'll never control.  As I read the other day "Relax, nothing is under control".

Namaste
Vinicius

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Vinicius da Costa has almost 46 years of experience in life ;-), teaches at and helps building Synergy Yoga & Wellness into a place you feel good and welcomed to grow your yoga journey.

How did I get rid of all problems in my life

Hints: I didn't completely yet but getting there.  Yoga in its full teachings has a lot to do with my journey to be free of problems.

During my almost 46 years of life experience I realized something critical.  No matter how perfect my life was at a certain time, one thing always happened: a problem would eventually come up.  Can you relate to that?  You are cruising in peace and happiness, you are growing in your job, your kids are doing great in school, your family is healthy, you reconciled with your parents after a long time, your sister finally got a job and left your house, etc, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere you get big news: your spouse talks about divorce, someone close to you was diagnosed with some disease you haven't heard of, your company is acquired and you lose your job, you find drugs in your kid's room, one of your parents passes away or anything else in a multitude of bad things that can potentially happen to us.

Yes, I thought: "No matter how perfect my life seems to be, something negative will come up".  And that thought was exactly what triggered my journey to find a resolution.  I broke that idea down and a single word stood out from the rest.  Guess which one was it?  Negative.

That was my break through, my a-ha moment.  As I looked back in my life I was able to identify a trend.  There was a close relation between how badly the problem affected my life to how negative I perceived it to be.  If I thought that my life was going to be critically affected, my life ended up being critically affected.  When I thought I was going to be able to recover quickly, I recovered quickly.  The outcome was greatly impacted by the way I thought about it.  So the solution was easy, right?  See everything in a positive way!  Well, no.  It is not that simple.  I mean, that's the idea, however, it's easier said than done.  Some problems are really bad and can't be underestimated.  But in the end it does matter how you look into it.

I was always a very anxious person.  The fact I was constantly expecting a problem to come up made me very apprehensive, and the actual problem made me depressed.  So I decided to find a solution.  I came to yoga because of that and some other reasons, and a few yoga concepts helped me to change my view of the situation:

1. Breathe - it's amazing how shallow and short our breathing becomes when we face problems.  That triggers a "panic" reaction in our body and mind to do something immediate.  It's there to (or try to) save us from a bear in the forest, but unfortunately in the modern world we can't just run from all our problems (as much as we wish we did many times).  Problems have this stubborn way to find us again because no matter how much we run it's in our mind.  Changing scenery does help though but that's a topic for another post.  So, just breathing properly takes away a lot of the intensity of the problem.  Trust me.  It does sound too simple and it is.  Think about it.  Breathing is the source of life.  The way we do it has major impacts in the way we live.
2. Stay in the moment - anticipation and overthinking has a lot to do with how big the problem becomes in our mind.  Another great learning in my journey was that no matter how big the problem was there was always a solution and an end.  The anxiety and depression caused by the problem made it bigger than it actually was.  Some problems are already big enough so you don't want to make them even bigger.  Meditation and asanas helped me focus on the moment and see the problem under different lenses.

Honestly, I still have problems.  I now look into them as an opportunity.  Breathing and staying in the moment helped me see them that way.  I know bad things will happen.  I also know they will go away.  I'll look into them as a way to grow personally and will jump into them head on.  This doesn't mean I don't suffer, but make it more bearable and reduce the length of it.

I know I can't oversimplify or underestimate other people's problems.  I know there are situations that would be unbearable.  Reducing the stress of the other ones will at least keep me strong to face them.

Try this.  Find a comfortable and quiet place.  Take a long deep breathe, hold for a second and then exhale slowly.  Exhale twice as long as your inhale.  Keep going slower every time.  Close your eyes and travel to a place that is naturally peaceful for you: a beautiful and warm beach at sunrise, or the mountains.  Stay there and breathe.  If your problem tries to come back to your mind, don't wrestle it.  Allow it to fly away.  As you come back, notice how strong you are to face the problem.  You are stronger than you think.  Trust me.

Namaste
Vinicius

Vinicius da Costa has almost 46 years of experience in life ;-), teaches at and helps building Synergy Yoga & Wellness into a place you feel good and welcomed to grow your yoga journey.

Look to the Left

This past weekend while at a birthday celebration, I met a couple named Brad and Carol. I couldn't help but catch their vibrant energy as they laughed, smiled, talked, and danced together. I was curious about their story, so I asked Brad. The first thing he said is this “Sara, I love her. The day we met at this party, I walked in and decided to look Left instead of looking straight forward and there she was.” She was different than anyone he had ever been with. They've been together ever since, which was 3-years ago

Before meeting Carol, Brad defined himself as being a “player”, in and out of relationships that offered no substance. Then after years in this experience he woke up to the fact that this wasn't who he really was and he wasn't living the way he wanted to. He then made the conscious decision to change his behaviors and focus. So that day he walked into that room at the party he opened his eyes and heart to expanding his horizons in new directions. He said the last several years with Carol hasn't always been bliss, they've had their challenges but he loves her even more because as they weather each storm their love grows. He knows without a doubt he is in the relationship he’s meant to live in and told me privately he has plans to ask her to marry him by the holidays.

We all have the ability to live the life we are meant to live. Bring awareness into the body, mind, and Spirit then listen to the Light inside, this will be your guide. Stay connected to the present, doesn't mean don’t have a vision for your life. Set goals that match your life’s desires, stay focused on your vision, and create a plan. For example, describe the person YOU want to be in a relationship, describe the person you’re looking for, and then move in a direction towards meeting that person. Unclench thoughts of worry for the future, when you worry you clutter your mind with some sort of drama that more than likely won’t ever happen. Let go of hurts from the past, this is a new day, a new person, a new event, history will only repeat itself if you’re not Listening. In a passage in Patanjali’s Yoga Sutra’s it reads when you are inspired by your life, you are In Spirit. When you are In Spirit you are connected and present with your life and will KNOW the direction to move in and the people and events to connect with. Just for today, EXPAND, mix the orange juice and mango juice together, be the first to say hello to a stranger, take a dance lesson with your significant other, go to lunch with someone at work who you think is different from you, take your child out for ice cream at “dinner” time, start the cake decorating business you've dreamed of. And above all next time you walk into a room look to the left, right, or behind, see what you find. You might be surprised; your vision is possible.

Listen and move forward! Your life is an occasion, rise to it and SHINE! Be your best while you’re here!

-By Sara Cain